Loneliness

The sinking feeling of being lonely is one that truly cripples me daily. The worse part for me about being mentally unwell is the brutal conscious fact that I know my feelings are 100% false 99% of the time but being unable to do anything about it. Being told to cheer up or focus on something else is a fallacy that anyone who hasn't suffered believes is a solution but truly the idea of that is only more damaging. It only serves to make people feel as though their lack of control over emotions is something to be ashamed of. I am overtly aware that how I feel is unwarranted and something I will get over but, at the moment, it feels like a black hole where any hope of getting better should be.

The main feeling that does this to me is loneliness or a general feeling of pointlessness. Now as a 21-year-old kid I should be content with the idea that I have ages to find love or a purpose, but I struggle with the idea that I'm failing or that I'm unlovable. As I write I wish I could say that I'm going to conclude with the ultimate solution that I've found to cure this mind-numbing and often debilitating feeling, but I'd be lying if I did.

I still battle with it and that's part of my journey right now. I'm far from happy with the fact that it creeps up at the most inconvenient times, but I acknowledge that it will hopefully make me stronger just as every part of my story has. That's just it really, being content with the idea that a solution may never arrive but getting strong enough to fight it. Those that seem the strongest aren't immune to these intrusive thoughts but are just better at fighting them off, their tool kit is bigger, and I hope mine will be too one day.

Day after day I believe I’m getting better, slowly but surely I’m gaining confidence in the fact I’m taking control back. It’s far from a quick change nor is it easy but in the times between feeling like this I take stock of where I’m come from and hope I can make the changes that I’ve I done in other aspects of my life.